Chemo is literally soul-destroying. The fact that it is working, I have to give credit there. But other than that, there is only so much of “being strong” for my child, that I can do. There are some things you just cannot hide. My shortness of breath, when I get out of the car, walk the 5 steps to the front door, have a shower, dress in the mornings, undress in the evenings. Being so tired, that if I blink my eyes too long, I will fall asleep. For Bianca to see me like this makes her break down. So, when I stupidly break down and cry out that I cannot cope with being so tired all the time or so short of breath that I have to stop what I am doing to catch my breath. was enough to send her into a meltdown.
I have explained to her that the cancer is not spreading, and the chemo is working, but in all honesty, to be a child to a parent who has cancer must be one of the hardest things in life to cope with. She actually told me the other day, that she sometimes comes through in the middle of the night to check to see if I am still breathing. Roles reversed, as I use to do that when she was a baby.
I can only hope and pray that this too shall pass, and best it hurry the frig up!!!!
I was reading this post about a child having to experience a parent that is dying. I may be sick. I may be dying a bit faster than some people, but I am nowhere near dead yet. There are times, when I am feeling like absolute crap, and I am convinced: “this is it, this is how it going to end”, but by some miracle, I get some kind of positive news, that takes me out of my lowest of low feelings.
So for me to make sure that my child does not have to think that I am dying, I have to be positive. I have to continue showing her that yes I am so tired that I hardly get out of bed, or I am so short of breath after a simple task of showering, and the fact that my blood count is so low, both red and white blood cells, but this is all due to my treatment. It is not due to the cancer destroying my body. But at least the treatment is shrinking those tumour, and at the end of the day I will be fine. I will get well.
And things continue to improve. I am still having chemo, and have about 6 weeks in total left. My blood count, white cells and hemoglobin was extremely low, so I was admitted into hospital for a transfusion. Wow must have received some young energetic persons blood. The energy I had, compared to the day before, was amazing. The weeks leading up to the transfusion, I was basically reduced to walking around with a walking stick. It seemed like I could not catch my breath. Having a shower, was so exhausting. My daughter had to help me dry myself. It was ridiculous how bad I felt. I suppose the way I was feeling was also a contribution to me being convinced that I was literally dying. The tumours continue to get smaller, and I will continue to make sure that I manage myself properly.
This is my sanctuary. This is where I can express my biggest fears, my day to day feelings. I only have my daughter, who is only 19, to really chat to. I do not have a husband/boyfriend. My friends are work associates, and my acquaintances are just that. People who I know. I really do not want to burden my daughter with these fears. 90% of the time I am a very happy go lucky person, who, if you met for the 1st time, would never guess the pain and discomfort I experience. For me to be able to survive emotionally, I need to be able to express these fears, and hence I do it here. These fears are real, they would destroy me if I were not able to put them out there. If I bottled them up, I would do more damage to my health. My downers usually come just before I am due to have my scans. What with how I was feeling just before my scan, put me in a position of expecting the absolute worst. The mere fact that my ill health was due to blood count being so low, rather than it being the beginning of the end. This is my journey, this is how I am feeling, there will be good days and there will be bad days. Many of my bad days, I can cope but some I cannot. Today even though it was a bad day, was also a great day. My daughter got her drivers licence on her first attempt. Am so proud of her. Soon I will be sitting in the passenger seat being driven around like lady muck.
The last couple of days I have felt that I was on my way out. I have felt so many different emotions. I was experiencing pain, discomfort shortness of breath and so tired. All I wanted to do was sleep. I was convinced that this was the way my body was telling me to get my crap in order as soon I would be sleeping forever. I was developing bruising all over my body. The ones on my tummy were of great concern to me, as I had heard that usually happens when your liver starts crashing.
I walked into my oncologists rooms, tears streaming down my face. The 1st two words out of his mouth were GOOD NEWS. I do not think I have ever experienced the tears of fear and sadness change so quickly to tears of joy. Good News was that the sizes of all my tumors had shrunk. To repeat those words now makes me want to cry. You cannot even begin to understand what a huge relief that was. All these other things that I was feeling, were just a byproduct of the cancer, and I would learn to deal with them. The bad news that came along with the Good News (yes unfortunately there always seems to be a bad news with my good news) was that my blood count was very low. Way down to the point of needing a blood transfusion. The chemo is slowly destroying my bone marrow, and for that my blood count is so out of whack. The bruising is also a side effect of this. I was to have another blood test to see if I was to be admitted. Trying to find a vein for the blood test was a nightmare. My arms are covered in bruises from the prodding and poking trying. Thankfully my count is up, just enough to avoid being admitted. I have been booked off with complete bed rest. Which suits me fine, as I am really tired all the time (another side effect of the low count). I am also very lucky to have the most wonderful daughter who looks after me so well.
Now the cracker of all of this is, each time I have taken my laptop bag with me for chemo, I have not been able to donate as my blood count is so low, and yesterday was no different. Think it is best to stop taking the laptop as I do want to get this chemo treatment over and done with.
Do you remember what it is/was like to feel when a loved one past away? I remember when Mom & Dad past away. More for Mom. The pain was unbearable, and it never seemed to get any better. I know time heals all, but damn, it still feels bad. This is what I think about for my beautiful child. I am getting progressively worse, and am convinced that the results of my scan yesterday is not going to bring any good news. Silly to think like that, but why else am I feeling so terrible, and in so much discomfort.
I cannot bear to think of what my daughter is going to experience. Her pain, compared to the pain I am feeling now will be no comparison. It hurts me so much to think about her having to deal with everything on her own.
I have become extremely emotional lately, and all I want to do is hold her in my arms. I tell her everyday that I love her. Thankfully we are the type of family that shows a lot of physical love. So it is not strange for her, to have me always wanting to hug her or to tell her how I much I love her. Until I definitely know that I am dying, I will make sure that I can spend as much time with her. When the time comes I will tell her. We have spoken about me dying, and she asks if I am now. Can’t really say I am on my last legs. But when the time comes I will be honest with her.
My body is a traitor. It is slowly destroying my will to live. I have pushed up my CT Scan appointment to tomorrow. I cannot wait until Friday. I need to know what is going on inside of me.
I now have the most unbearable heartburn to contend with. Together with a pulsating Tinnitus. I remember reading about a man who stabbed himself in the stomach as he felt that there was something growing inside. I have come close to wanting to do that to my ear. I mushed up a sheet against my ear, and punched myself 3 times. This is the level I have got to. Between the stress of wanting to know if these tumours have grown, to wanting to know if I have Ascites
Ascites is a gastroenterological term for an accumulation of fluid in the peritoneal cavity that exceeds 25 mL
I feel like I am 9 months pregnant, my diaphragm is pushing up into my lungs, causing me to be continually short of breath. Now I have this heartburn. I drink and eat the smallest amount and feel like I have had a 4 course meal.
As long as my mind (which is also slowly beginning to lose the plot) can deal with the shit, all I can say is FUCK YOU BODY!